I waste it with my crossbow!

13 05 2013

ImageIf you are unfamiliar with the title of the post, I’m sorry. You are so unfulfilled. But don’t worry, I’m on it.

Just recently I discovered that one of my favorite comics is available on line for download as PDFs. ‘Knights of the Dinner Table.’ 

Available from Kenzer Co. the Knights have been a long running tale of several groups of gamers in and around Muncie, Indiana, who play a complex, archaic RPG called Hackmaster.

Their personal lives, their role playing sessions, and the hilarious crossovers entertained me for hours as a younger fellow. And now they are doing so as a slightly older fellow.

The title is a line often spoken by one of the Knights, Bob Herzog, the unemployed twenty-six year old living with his parents who approaches most problems with a shoot first, ask questions later, hack and slash demeanor. He’s the old school smash and grab PC, most gaming groups are familiar with, in passing at least.

Each of the characters featured in the strips reflect a common personality drawn to these sorts of games. A bit stereotypical perhaps, but for a reason. These kinds of people really do exist. 

Anyway, now my Kindle is a fuller, happier beast – flooded with the tales of some of the most heroic. Sort of heroic. silly people you’ll ever meet. Or read about. Whatever.

I can’t tell you just how happy I am to see these again. This is one of three comics I really ever read with any sort of long lasting passion and having the opportunity to revisit a storytelling medium I haven’t had touch with in a while, makes it all the sweeter.

Be you gamer or not, these might be worth a read. These are relatable people with relatable problems. Sort of. 

I relate anyway. Now shoo, go read something.


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Reliability

15 04 2013

And I’m not talking about people. Sort of.

I was browsing the internet today in search of a list of the largest spiders in the world. I was shooting for top ten. Naturally I did what most people do when they need to know something.

I asked google.

One of the things google told me to do was ask his weird cousin Wikipedia about it because didn’t you know he’s the smart one in the family or at least, he likes to think he is. Wikipedia is an interesting little critter. It has a little something to say about everything and in some cases a lot to say about certain things.

And sometimes those things are even true. The problem with it of course, for those of you who come from under a rock somewhere, is that it’s publicly monitored and edited. Anyone can do it, including you, your mom, and any inmate with internet privileges. Regardless I think the premise is a valuable one. A common suppository of knowledge culminated from the unique life experiences of billions. The problem of course, as previously stated, is that it is a common suppository of knowledge culminated from billions of people.

Weird people.

Silly people.

Even people with chicken pox.

I look at Wikipedia as sort of skynet beta test. It’s gathering information in an attempt to become self-aware but its having difficulty reaching that point while dedicating so many resources to sifting through the bullshit. The idea that kids use the site as a legitimate source of reliable information is staggering and the boldness of some to plagiarise information directly from it is just ridiculous.

It even spawned a humorous book for crying out loud! And yes I did buy it. And yes I do hope someone used any of those entries for term papers.

Because…tee hee.

It’s meant to be the worlds greatest 100% free encyclopedia. It’s a bold idea. It’s everything the internet stands for; the free proliferation of information.

It just needs less weirdo, man.

Less weirdo.


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The Frozen Dead in America

10 03 2013

I feel like this deserves a look. It’s a festival not far from where my sister used to live in the state of Colorado. Incredible stuff. Celebrating a dead man who has a bit of a sci fi background to him if you think about it. The cryogenics and all.


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Hey, You Got Some of Your Ectoplasm in My Cubicle!

29 09 2012

I have to do it. I just can’t let this go.

Some people will tell you that its bad form to complain on the internet about things you might not want others to here. That makes sense of course. The net is a massive public forum that offers anybody with the ability to turn on a computer the ability to vomit words forth into the nether. Well, maybe that was a bit generous. I’ve met people who can turn on computers that were unable to really move on from there.

I think one guy died of thirst. Not important.

I can’t help myself though. This has to be said, I can’t help it. I have to complain.

About my job.

It’s the kind of job that makes you want to claw your eyes out and wish you had made that pact with the devil that one time in Fresno for all the money and power needed to dominate not only the earth but rise to cosmic godhood. a great job and I’m glad to have it. I sometimes smile on my way in just knowing I am employed.

Okay, so you’re happy with the job, its great, yadda yadda, what’s your point,Brindle?

Construction.

There. I said it.

As I have mentioned in the past I work in a hospital. And this thing just keeps growing. You want to talk job security, get a job in healthcare – there’s always business. So, construction. Any given day of any given week the odds are high that you’ll see a mob of orange-vested, hard-hatted, wolf-whistling guys jack hammering, sawing, welding, and even regular hammering things. And stuff and, well…that parts complicated and for your sake I feel I should just leave the specifics out.

There are a couple of things you should know though:

  • I work in an area which, in the front end features a large waiting area
  • Part of the waiting area is now obscured by temporary walls
  • I write because it’s a way of draining the crazy out of my brain before it builds up to critical mass and I have a hallucinatory breakdown

All pertinent.

So what was the solution to solving this issue? Installing a camera! Now there is a second monitor on the front end desk to which the camera feeds. It was nifty. At first.

Still not seeing a problem?

It’s the camera. Now occasionally this thing cuts out for a moment before returning to my view the same rows of chairs as before which is totally normal. But here’s the thing. It’s a static camera. No movement at all. It’s a stock black bubble camera that you find littering the ceiling of your local Walmart. (I don’t care where you live; there is probably a Walmart close enough to be considered local.)

It sometimes has fits where it tries to refocus. I would look at that funny to begin with but hey, I work the night shift, there is no one anywhere near the things field of view and it tries to randomly focus. ON WHAT?

I watch way too much Zak Bagans to let this go.

So now I’m not only worried about the usual doctor/patient stuff but now I’m concerned I’m going to have to face the irate face of the guy down the hall in the morgue. I’m going to look over at the screen in time to see an impossibly long, thin finger ease its way down the camera. I might even shout when a pale, partially decomposed face pops onto the feed after it cuts out.

Need to keep watching the monitor so it doesn’t catch me off guard. Have to be ready.

Need to watch the moni-


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Bondage,Serial Killers, and the Swiss.

11 08 2012

I can’t even describe to you how happy I am at this particular point in time. Not quite a hit-the-lotto euphoria. More like the adult toy store down the street just got a new shipment of Sesame Street inspired lotions in and the bullwhips are two for a dollar. (Which isn’t really the case. The adult toy store is in another town.)

The couple-days-shy-of-a-month-long-hiatus that I meant to tell all of you in the deep, dark and sweaty recesses of the internet about but FAILED, is over! (Blog post was written on phone but saved as a draft instead of posted. WordPress app FAIL.) That means we, here at the press, which is really just a fancy way of saying me and whatever other ridiculousness comes along with this disorder, are back!

I’ve got a healthy new mountain of curious animal bits in the ol’ mailbox for the next Spam installment, which, I have browsed a bit and am very excited to work with. I’m planning on assaulting you all with a TON of new short fiction entries in an attempt to address all of the Picture it and Write! entries over at Ermiliablog. And even have a new, crazy and random individual that pops up in my life from time to time to tell you about.

It’s going to be a good time this month folks. A good time. *Wink*

But what about today? Well I’ll tell you. You better grab your nearest umbrella and or poncho because I’m about to subject you to another stream of random neuron-firings!

INCOMING.

I have a friend who recently suffered a concussion. Again. This makes number six I believe. I was told once that if you suffer five you run a great chance of experiencing brain damage. I don’t know if that’s true or not but it’s a bit frightening all the same. I get books from this girl. I would hate for her to one day start recommending things to me that are predominately picture-based.

I have nothing against books with pictures. I like the others ones better though.

Craziest thing I’ve seen lately? A girl throwing her legs apart while driving past a Church of Immaculate Conception screaming, “Give it to me God!” Listen. I understand that pregnancy is something you’re into. It seems to be a goal. I just think there are better ways to go about it. What kind of message would God be sending if he got you pregnant while you were driving? That’s just not safe driving.

On a similar note, how can you stand pregnancy? I couldn’t do that. No way. It would be nine months of non-stop nightmares featuring Sigourney Weaver and a lot of drool. Now that sounds like it could be a good thing but I’m talking about aliens. From the movies. Aliens. That’s some crazy, chest-bursting, swiss surrealism right there.

And has anyone ever seen a picture of H.R Giger? Talk about your horror movie characters. That guy looks like he just might flay his interns and wear their skin like coats and Halloween masks. Maybe its part of his process. I don’t know, I never worked for the guy. If he ever offers you a coat, JUST. SAY.NO.

And why are they called serial killers? To someone new to the English language that could be a little confusing. Or comical. Maybe a bit of both. But running into a grocery store and storming toward the breakfast foods isle announcing, jokingly in broken english, that you are a “cereal killer” is more likely to get you tased then fed.

It’s a complicated language. You must fear it and respect it. One word can mean the difference between Cheerios and the electric chair.

Stay Tuned.


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What I Learned from T-Rex

14 06 2012

Let me spit a quick thought at you folks.

There is a difference between practicing a moral code and allowing yourself to be confined by it.

A big difference.

It doesn’t matter what code we’re talking about be it religious or otherwise. And it doesn’t matter what flavor of worship it is either. Morality is not something that is overly subjective. On the surface it seems like something personal but really it’s hugely shape by external forces.

We all tend to think of murder as a bad thing for instance. However, if someone were to grow up in the middle of the woods with no outside contact with other human beings, might that be different?

I was talking recently to my good pal Cooper Paulson
Our discussion focused on another artist he worked with in his college days who ran into a moral problem with his art. He’s a religious fellow and his early work reflected solely that. It lacked flavor. personal flavor that is.

Guess what happened when he loosened up?

He created some impressive stuff.

Suddenly the work he did stood out a great deal. Made a Far more unique mold. T-Rex taught me a lot about the society in which I live.

Point is, his work went from good to fantastic, something that was truly his own.


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Cooking With Spam III: Rise Of The Spam

28 04 2012

By now you may be asking yourself what does Star Wars and an awkward looking canned ‘meat’ have in common? 

The short answer?

Nothing.

The slightly longer but still rather short answer?

Not a damn thing.

I prefer the second. It’s got some kick, some sass. It just walked in your front door, kicked its boots off and started to rummage through your fridge without so much as a ‘hullo’.

So why don’t we just dive head first, like a swan, into the thick, bizarre mountain of what might be a meat. As always these comments are harvested directly from my WordPress spam folder and appear in unedited form. That’s right, I know some words might be misspelled and the grammar may experience fits of terrible suck, but that’s not me.

The italics on the other hand? That is me.

ONWARD!

Mebbe Religion writes,

I read at an extreme velocity.

You read at an extreme velocity? What, like while in a spaceship or a jet or something?

I find your sight as smooth parts as well.

That is true. I do have pretty soft eyeballs. There was one time, that I was resting my head on my hand it I sneezed and I slipped and my finger hit my eye. I thought to myself, my god – my optical spheres are like miniature baby’s bottoms.

The lay out of it does not impact my speeding in the negative.

I’m going to have to side with the law on this one actually and say speeding, especially while reading, is a bad thing. It could have an impact on your life. As in it might end.

If you would mind, there was an address, if there is that one might find to bring links to your template?

I didn’t quite make that one out, maybe you could think on it a bit and get back to me when you can word that a little better?   

Huh?

And also, perhaps you might consider for me as well.

Consider you for what? The craziest person I’ve run into in the last five minutes? Trust me buddy, you’ve already got the nomination.

And as always consider perhaps, the Jesus as well.

The Jesus? That makes him sound kind of hip. Hey everybody, its THE Jesus. And then everyone’s like “Hey Jesus!” (In the style of Norm entering the bar on cheers) and then Jesus would be like “Heeeeeeyy.” (In the style of the Fonz)

Thank you for the consideration in the future.

Consider for what?! You have to be more specific. Congress? President of the PTA? Fine, he has my consideration. I think they’re probably all devil-worshippers anyways. What’s that? Which one did I mean? Oh, right. The answer is yes.

 

Freeads writes, in response to Ted Talk 2023,

Some people think  that this is the joke.

Like some people think you are off the meds.

But here is my rub.

Too much info, too much info!

I have taken to seeing this sort of topic in the past.

You sure you haven’t taken to seeing in the future?

There is technology present that makes this thing better you know.

The…rub? I’m scared to ask for clarification.

But I could hardly blame you for that.

Thank you?

 

Jj04or04 writes,

I have never used the internet before.

It shows. This comment for instance was poorly written enough to constitute as SPAM.

But there is little reason to think that web hosts is cheap.

And now I see why.

Where did you find such a lovely place to find a place for blogging on such as a fantastic as invention like this?

Is WordPress a choice? God, I hope it is.

And if so, how much do you pay for hosting?

It’s a little hard to explain since I never was too good with the maths. Let me grab my abacus real quick. Uh, twelve plus seventeen, divided by the square root of a camel. Wait, that doesn’t seem right. Is twelve a real number?

Regardless! Keep flowing the good words friend!

Don’t worry, I flow every day! The doctor said it was normal!


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My Juice Is Uncontrollable!

22 02 2012

You’ll have to forgive me. I’m writing on my iPhone. The Vixen is running a quick errand so I thought I’d break out a ‘too big to be tweeted’ chunk of smithing while I wait for her to call for exfil.

Yeah, every errand is a special op around here.

I’ve been downloading a rather large amount of string music. And not string like guitar. I’m talking violins and cellos and what-have-you’s. I have become rather fond of writing with musical accompaniment.

I always heard it said that listening to this sort of thing makes you smarter. Honestly that’s not why I started. I started because I really enjoy it. Not because I was seeking a magical boost to my writing skill. Those don’t exist. You want to talk fantasy lets discuss writers block and the idea of the freaking ‘muse’ that’ll wave a wand over my brain and make me vomit Nebula worthy manuscripts. I think not.

I will however admit that the strings do, depending on the song, make me feel bad ass. It’s like I’m soaking up he energy of the piece. RAWR!

But really even if you’ve never listened to a violin, do yourself a favor. The Vitamin String Quartet does string arrangements of modern rock, metal, alternative, and some pop hits. Or, for those of you who may enjoy a bit more rhythm, check out The Black Violin. Hip hop on strings baby.

And what about the rest of you? What do you listen to when hard at work? Does it get your juices flowing?


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Cooking With Spam II: The Spam Strikes Back

5 02 2012

Well, well, well. Here we are again all gathered around this toasty, pixely fire. It’s warmth cloaking us like a blanket or some other sort of cloak-like garment. Which, I don’t remember the last time this fire had heat, its on my desktop. Oh no, my desk!

Runs to grab fire extinguisher. Takes off pants. Fights fire. High-fives the dog.

And now I’m pumped! Nothing like writing while hopped up on fear-adrenaline! And coffee! Come folks, let us check out my point!

It’s another day of finely measured liquids, expertly chopped seasonings and only the choicest cuts of meat one could buy with the budget of a free blog that doesn’t produce any money. You got it. It’s time once again for cooking with Spam.

Seriously this crap was pretty well received last time. I’m going to call it officially something I’m going to keep on top of.

As always I would like to remind you that these comments are in no way altered except of course for the breaks I add in order to offer my replies. The words are written exactly as they appear in the message (no matter how big a fit my spell check throws) and they are indeed legitimate bits of spam in my WordPress comments.

Onward.

Para writes,

Certanly I like you website.

Why thank you. If I thought your broken robotic self had a site to visit that didn’t result in my somehow ending up on a penis-enlargement mailing list, I might check yours out too. I bet it’s great.

But you migt want to take a look at the speling on queit a few of your posts.

My ‘speling’? You’re right of course. I ‘migt’ indeed want to do that. Wait here while I grab a pen and some paper to jot down more of your suggestions with.

Some of them are rif with speling erors.

Really? Oh dear. Why, I don’t know what to say. I mean – I check them you know. Proof reading and all that? I feel soooo ashamed. How could I possibly think I’m producing quality content when the posts are ‘rif’ with them?

I discover it extremly bothersom to inform you.

Oh I can imagine. It must take a lot to compose such a well articulated comment to leave on my blog. I’m sorry for the bother. I only pray that you can find forgiveness in your heart, Grammar Jedi.

But I shall surely come once more!

Happy day! I’m not being shunned after all!

Once more!

Okay. Right. Got it.

 

On the topic of cooking with spam, Windy comments,

Interesting approach towards this.

Well in all honesty it’s an interesting ‘meat’. If you don’t approach it sideways there’s no way you’re going to consider actually putting it in your mouth.

Wondering what you think of it’s implications toward society as a whole thoguh?

The implications on society? The implications of Spam? You do know we’re talking about Spam right? The ‘meat’ in a can. I don’t know how big of an impact on the world it could have. Don’t think the industry is big enough to start lobbying or anything if that’s what you mean. Which “Spam Lobby” ::shudder::

There are times when things like this begin to have global expansion and frustration.

If by global you mean in the bowels. Then yes it does cause a lot of expansion and frustration. And a spike in Pepto Bismol sales.

I’ll be around soon to check out your response.

Don’t hold your breath buddy. I don’t know enough about speculative economic models to guess on what Spam is capable of at the global level.

 

Finally Jarod comments,

Just now you can branch out.

Excuse me?

From your daily understandings.

What?

The best thing you can do is become relevant with yourself.

Nope. Still lost me. Aren’t I relevant to me? I mean, by default and stuff?

Also to becoming faithful in your own morals.

This is exactly what I imagine talking to a hippie tripping on who-the-hell-knows-what would be like.

This will lead to a sad and unfulfilling life.

Woah,woah,woah. Let’s hold the old proverbial horse here buddy. You’re telling me that if I do what you’re saying, which are general, just general statements that sound good but hold no water I might add, (or is it migt?) then I’ll be sad? Sad and unfulfilled? Good stuff = sad and unfulfilling eh?

 

That’s why you can’t trust Spam my friends. Like a ninja of malcontent, it slinks from the shadows making promises it has no intention of keeping. And it’s all to get to you, inside your head man. Inside your head.

Like that thing with Kahn and Chekov!

Er, nevermind. Forget I said that.


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The Machines Know No Bounds

13 01 2012

Technology is a strange beast. A three headed, fiery metal monster with a dozen horns, three rows of razor-sharp teeth, claws the size of Volkswagens and a back writhing with thousands of black, whip-like tentacles. It has a gluttonous taste for flesh and a temper that makes Godzilla look like a big cuddly bear.

It’s ever evolving, changing, growing, and becoming a more frightening beast with the passing of every decade. But it’s not all bad.

The tentacles are kind of soft and its iron hide is shiny and if you rub it just right, it sort of moo’s and pants. Yes, it is a scary looking thing but once you get to know it, spend a bit of time together, maybe catch a movie, you’ll find it’s actually really swell. Heart of gold and all that jazz. Think about it. It only wants to help.

If you asked Encarta, which honestly who asks Encarta anything anymore? (Besides me) It would say technology is the application of tools and methods: the study, development, and application of devices, machines, and techniques for manufacturing and productive processes. Boooooooring.

You make new stuff. Stuff that makes things easier. There we go. Simplified. Or, if I am recalling my high school days correctly: technology is an extension of mankind. Or mankind’s ability. To what? Oh, yeah, good question. I don’t know. Brew an iced decaf tall sugar-free vanilla Valencia non-fat less -ice caramel macchiato with a triple shot, at home? Or dig holes. Whatever.

So who gives a crap anyway? Well the short answer is everybody. Even pygmies. You come up with some sort of fancy new bamboo-carved, T-85 skull-cracking blowgun. They’d be all over that thing. Like uh, pygmies. Yeah. On a new blowgun. It shoots farther, has a safer loading mechanism (no more accidental inhalations of ammunition!) and kills like you couldn’t do with your bare hands! (This would be the non-messy variety of slaughter.)

I give a crap because it impacts what I do. I could write longhand. That is to say, with pen and paper. Or pencil and paper. Or feather quill and papyrus. What have you. But I don’t. I like typing. Do you realize how much faster I can write by typing instead of physically writing? It’s at least ten times. Or maybe a thousand. Truth is I’m not sure. Never was good with the maths. But I know it would be noticeable.

Oh and I can read my writing on a computer. You sit me down with a pen and some paper and ask me to write, I will. But it’ll be something future archeologists will be wondering about for centuries. They’ll be devoting lifetime’s worth of study to finding the Rosetta stone of the spastic-monkey-seizure-scrawl from the proto primates of upstate New York.

Just saying.

I give a crap because it makes not only my job easier but my product more accessible. Could I sell handwritten books? Maybe. With a combination of my own handwriting and my inability to make changes to the manuscript since the editors won’t be able to read it, I don’t think my sales will hit very high. Not to short change myself, but come on. Let’s be serious here for a moment.

Plus there are about a million things that wouldn’t exist if people weren’t into technological innovation.

Take the internet for example. Or tanks. Microwaves! Our predecessors weren’t content with snail mail (remember stamps?) or running through fields with ‘man-sized’ weaponry, or cooking with nothing but fire! Technology. Extending our ability to write irate hate-mail, blow people up from further away and cook our food with nuclear power of the holy atom.

Which brings me to what sparked this whole tirade. Earlier in the week I picked up my son from school. Now, the cult has been leaving me alone since winter hit. Perhaps the freezing temperatures force them into places I don’t stand. Ones that aren’t in the wind.

I will risk frostbite to avoid the wailing cries of the PTA.

At any rate. The tips of the tendrils of our future robotic enemy were clearly visible in front of the school. One woman stood near the bushes reading who-knows-what on her kindle.

 Another fellow had his Ipad flipped open. Couldn’t see what he was doing. I think it was probably angry birds based on his excited mini-seizures as he swiped his finger across the surface.

Two others were on their cell phones. I’m guessing they were texting. Oh and there was me. I was jotting down notes on my Iphone for this bombastic bit of bloggery.

Skynet is coming. Its spies, Amazon and Apple, are already here.


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