Cooking With Spam II: The Spam Strikes Back

5 02 2012

Well, well, well. Here we are again all gathered around this toasty, pixely fire. It’s warmth cloaking us like a blanket or some other sort of cloak-like garment. Which, I don’t remember the last time this fire had heat, its on my desktop. Oh no, my desk!

Runs to grab fire extinguisher. Takes off pants. Fights fire. High-fives the dog.

And now I’m pumped! Nothing like writing while hopped up on fear-adrenaline! And coffee! Come folks, let us check out my point!

It’s another day of finely measured liquids, expertly chopped seasonings and only the choicest cuts of meat one could buy with the budget of a free blog that doesn’t produce any money. You got it. It’s time once again for cooking with Spam.

Seriously this crap was pretty well received last time. I’m going to call it officially something I’m going to keep on top of.

As always I would like to remind you that these comments are in no way altered except of course for the breaks I add in order to offer my replies. The words are written exactly as they appear in the message (no matter how big a fit my spell check throws) and they are indeed legitimate bits of spam in my WordPress comments.


Para writes,

Certanly I like you website.

Why thank you. If I thought your broken robotic self had a site to visit that didn’t result in my somehow ending up on a penis-enlargement mailing list, I might check yours out too. I bet it’s great.

But you migt want to take a look at the speling on queit a few of your posts.

My ‘speling’? You’re right of course. I ‘migt’ indeed want to do that. Wait here while I grab a pen and some paper to jot down more of your suggestions with.

Some of them are rif with speling erors.

Really? Oh dear. Why, I don’t know what to say. I mean – I check them you know. Proof reading and all that? I feel soooo ashamed. How could I possibly think I’m producing quality content when the posts are ‘rif’ with them?

I discover it extremly bothersom to inform you.

Oh I can imagine. It must take a lot to compose such a well articulated comment to leave on my blog. I’m sorry for the bother. I only pray that you can find forgiveness in your heart, Grammar Jedi.

But I shall surely come once more!

Happy day! I’m not being shunned after all!

Once more!

Okay. Right. Got it.


On the topic of cooking with spam, Windy comments,

Interesting approach towards this.

Well in all honesty it’s an interesting ‘meat’. If you don’t approach it sideways there’s no way you’re going to consider actually putting it in your mouth.

Wondering what you think of it’s implications toward society as a whole thoguh?

The implications on society? The implications of Spam? You do know we’re talking about Spam right? The ‘meat’ in a can. I don’t know how big of an impact on the world it could have. Don’t think the industry is big enough to start lobbying or anything if that’s what you mean. Which “Spam Lobby” ::shudder::

There are times when things like this begin to have global expansion and frustration.

If by global you mean in the bowels. Then yes it does cause a lot of expansion and frustration. And a spike in Pepto Bismol sales.

I’ll be around soon to check out your response.

Don’t hold your breath buddy. I don’t know enough about speculative economic models to guess on what Spam is capable of at the global level.


Finally Jarod comments,

Just now you can branch out.

Excuse me?

From your daily understandings.


The best thing you can do is become relevant with yourself.

Nope. Still lost me. Aren’t I relevant to me? I mean, by default and stuff?

Also to becoming faithful in your own morals.

This is exactly what I imagine talking to a hippie tripping on who-the-hell-knows-what would be like.

This will lead to a sad and unfulfilling life.

Woah,woah,woah. Let’s hold the old proverbial horse here buddy. You’re telling me that if I do what you’re saying, which are general, just general statements that sound good but hold no water I might add, (or is it migt?) then I’ll be sad? Sad and unfulfilled? Good stuff = sad and unfulfilling eh?


That’s why you can’t trust Spam my friends. Like a ninja of malcontent, it slinks from the shadows making promises it has no intention of keeping. And it’s all to get to you, inside your head man. Inside your head.

Like that thing with Kahn and Chekov!

Er, nevermind. Forget I said that.

Excuse Me Waiter? My Brain Is Leaking.

2 01 2012

My thoughts have yet to come together on the new year so I’m just going to pepper you with many. Bear with me.




I’ve been thinking lately about the amount of effort that people put into planning new habits for themselves around the start of the new year. Not a lot. It’s true. People get big ideas and claim they’ll stick with plans that are far too grand for them to pull off in the time that they give themselves. And so like a zeppelin of yesteryear, they go down in a flaming ball of misery and woe. And fire. Mostly fire.

I haven’t developed any of these for I fear a steampunky end of my own should I attempt it. It’s not that I don’t believe I could accomplish great changes. It’s that I know for a fact that I couldn’t. I’m being a realist. And speaking of which…



I do have an emergency preparedness bag. Hell, I’ll say it. It’s a survival bag. One in my home, one in my car. (Car bag pending.) Some people look at you and say that’s kind of crazy. Take the Vixen for instance. When I first told her about it she said I was being “Kind of crazy”. But the idea has grown on her. Or maybe I’ve grown on her and she’s accepting my ideas. Either way, I feel like I’m winning.

And it’s not like my mental faculties have degraded to the point where I’m going to take my family and strike off into the woods to ‘survive’ amongst some imaginary threat. I’ll only do that with the real threats. Geez. It’s not that I’m paranoid but I’ve played enough video games to realize that there’s never enough ammo, mall food has powerful healing properties and your only real friends are cubes made of metal.

Trust me, I went to college.

And another thing, what is the overall state of the University system in America? Does it stand to reason that we might see fewer people going to these things? At what point does a society exhaust its supply of dedicated manual labor? What happens to it at that point?



Why does my keyboard have not one but two ‘Caps Lock’ keys? I’m never going to use those. I once wrote an essay on the money Dell would save if they removed that bit of square irritation from their keyboards. The numbers were staggering and I’m fairly certain it was because of the actual amount of money they would save on a key with next to no time clicked. Or because I was doing the math. That may have had something to do with. We’ll never know.

When did I decide that wheat flour was an excellent alternative to regular white? Sure its healthy but come on. Cook with it sometime, I dare you.

Dare: From first and third person singular of O.E. durran “to brave danger, dare; venture, presume,” from P.Gmc. *ders- (cf. O.N. dearr, O.H.G. giturran, Goth. gadaursan)


Woah. I just channeled an etymologist. Or I was momentarily possessed by a word-loving-encyclopedia-demon. Be gone foul beast!


“The power of Christ compels you, the power of Christ compels y–!”


Whew. I’m done quoting movies. I don’t think any of the greek or latin bits were in the exorcist but I’m not so sure about the sequels. I didn’t bother with the sequels. I considered at one point, briefly, that perhaps theater arts and film making might be something I was interested in pursuing. But then I look at my impersonation of classic horror films and suddenly I remember why I didn’t go that route.

Wordsmithing is so much more rewarding.